Fear & Fat Free, Forty is Fast approaching

So my 40th birthday is fast approaching. I assume most women my age look at this year as a milestone year. I have been thinking a lot about how I want to kick off my 40's. My thirties were kicked off with a few years of sobriety, a new relationship with God and a new lease on life. So, what could I do with my forties? Well for as long as I can possibly imagine I have been plagued with two F words. Not the one you are thinking about, but much worse!!! FEAR and FAT. So, this year, Lord willing, I will eradicate those words from my vocabulary. They will be as bad as the F word you thought I was talking about.

Why Fear and Fat? Whats so wrong with these words. Well as words they do not mean much. But to me they run rampant in my life.
So lets get honest here, I believe that I am fat....In my head this word means so much more than one can imagine. To me it means you think that I am unlovable, undesirable, that you think that I am plain old ugly.
PLEASE NOTE: If you are reading this and overweight, I don't think this about you. Sadly, this is what I think about myself and no one else. The thoughts only apply to myself no one else.
Why fear....I believe that I will say the wrong thing, that I will say the wrong thing and you will want to leave. I fear hurting you and you will not forgive me. I fear I do not fit in. I fear that you will think I am fat hence believe that I am ugly, undesirable, lazy.... Ok, I am pretty sure you get the picture.

I am tired of thinking like this! I assume most women think like this on occasion, but me it is a daily battle. So goodbye!!

Why say goodbye to these thoughts? Well first and foremost, they do NOT honor God. Am I not made in the Lord's image? Do I believe that God is ugly, undesirable? Of course not. Fear.. doesn't God state clearly not to be anxious? Doesn't he state that he has good for those that are in Christ? Would he leave me during anything if my fears came true? Do I believe my Heavenly Father would turn his back on me because of my weight or looks?

I realize exposing my thoughts can be a bit embarrassing to me, but is it really possible that I am the only woman or man that thinks like this? I don't want compliments, I just want to publicly expose the lies I and others have taught ourselves to believe.

So with all this said, and you think that I am a very depressed woman, let me tell you I am not. I am an extremely blessed woman, with messed up thoughts. I couldn't ask the Lord for any more (but of course I do). I have amazing friends and family. I cherish them as gifts from above!!

Join me in becoming Fear and Fat free, or laugh at me along the way. Lets make these horrible words become words that describe a milk type and a tv show!!