The question is????

Sometimes, it is amazing that someone can shake your thinking and not even realize it. Someone can ask you a question that you can only think to yourself, Did this person just ask me that? Is that really what they think I would think or do? This question is absurd and quite frankly saddens me.

UH....... Isn't this question exactly the one that you have been asking over and over in your mind Marya? Isn't this question one that has been a challenge to your thinking. One that can consume you? One that you have thought so many times but never asked? Never asked for fear of the answer!!!

What is this question you are wondering, what question could spark me to write in my blog. Well, I had someone come and ask me if I hadn't chosen them for something because of their weight. At first I was completely offended that someone would ask me that, what have I ever done that would allow anyone to ever think that I was racist in that area? What kind of person does this person think I am?
I can't say that I was happy being asked this question. My response was, Of course not. I don't look at people's weight and decide whether they can or can't compete. I so badly wanted to scream at him "Hey, you would know I would never do that since I think I am the fattest girl in the room, I am not judging you cause I am too busy judging myself" Plus I don't think yelling at a someone for feeling comfortable to come up to me and ask this question was the right response.


But let's be honest, I want to ask that question most days. I want to challenge the Creator with my sense of insecurity. I want to believe a lie because why would God not want to give me these things. Why? I want to explain away things. It of course has to be me. And most likely has to be the thing I don't like the most about myself. Of course it has to be that.

The truth is that as I sat and heard this person ask me this question and I thought this is the farthest from thing truth and was saddened they thought this. But today I am thinking how much more does the Almighty God, creator of me feel when I ask (believe) these lies. As this person sat there waiting for an answer, waiting to hear his greatest fear be spoken out loud, he heard something quite different. I know the fear of waiting to hear that answer, waiting to hear the dirty truth be told to me..... but only to hear the real Truth not the the lies I was expecting to hear.

The truth is, is that God loves me so much he created me in His image. I could just stop at He created me. He didn't need to even create me, but he created me in His image. God doesn't withhold good thing from those who believe. God knew my days since the beginning of time. He knew my size, he knew my struggles. He even knew and knows I would struggle with these things. He knew I would question, waiting for the answer, Have you withheld things from me because of my weight and looks. I think the Lord would answer with
Psalm 139
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^a
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

When you go up to God next time and ask ...Are you doing this because I am ........? Be reminded He knew you from the beginning of time, He created you. Don't sit waiting in fear to hear the answer. Sit in awe of Him, sit in awe that he created you.

And for those of you who struggle with how you view yourself, like me. Give that up,beauty is fleeting, but the Lord is forever. The Lord created you to resemble Him.  And I am sure he isn't denying you good things because of how you look!! Don't believe those lies!!!

What if.....

I've been thinking for days about this. So I will just speak for myself but I wonder how many of you think the same way. 

So I walk into a room, at first glance I see all the smiling faces. Then I think to myself many different things. First, am I the ugliest in the room, or maybe the prettiest. Am I the fattest in the room maybe I am the thinnest. (Come on Marya you know that's not true) Am I going to be the life of the party or will I be a dud. Will I get stuck talking to the most annoying person in the room oh wait am I going to be the most annoying person in the room? 

All of this in mere seconds of arriving. Forget to the person on the outskirts? What if I actually looked around the room and instead of thinking all about me I thought about you and what you might need. 

WHAT IF when anyone of us went anywhere we kept our eyes and thoughts off of ourselves and we thought of others. What if I went in somewhere wishing to bring the passion of my life to others. What if my eyes were fixated on something far greater than myself. 

What if society stopped looking at ourselves and started looking out wards. What if our eyes were focused on others rather than ourselves? What if we loved people the amount we love our selves. 

Imagine what life would look like? I think we'd find ourselves less angry. I wonder if we would be more compassionate, more empathetic. 

I am going to try to look outside myself & not compare myself  to others. I'm going to see if when I give someone else the attention I give my own self if I feel less awkward and even more joyful. 

What if you tried it too? 

Fabulously Living, Living Fabulously

What is Fabulously living? What is living fabulously? I am sure it's different for everyone. For me it's been a journey. How can one say life is fabulous when they don't have all of the desires of their heart met? How does each person judge their life? I am sure some judge by the amount of friends they have, others how much money they have, and maybe some by the way they look. I am sure there are a lot of other ways.
    Why is my life fabulous? How have a come to a point that I believe this is the truth? There are quite a few reasons.
     First, look some might not believe or agree but I have Christ. I have an amazing God who loves me more than any human ever can! The days that I am sad I am alone & husband less & childless, I remind myself that God loves me so much He is giving what I need right now! He doesn't always say yes to everything at the time we want it. In Jeremiah it say " I know the plans I have for you, declares       The Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future & hope" Jeremiah 29:11. How can one not live fabulously.
     The second reason I am living fabulously is, I have finally come to a place where I don't hate my body. (Well, not everyday). I have a strong body, not a perfect body but you know what? It's the perfect body for me. My crooked teeth are part of me. I'm not a stick but I have curves. Curves aren't a bad thing. My health is good. No medicine to help my body work correctly. At 40 that's pretty good. Most people look at me and think I'm ten years younger than I am. I am embracing the beauty of the woman God created.
    I don't have a lot of friends but the small amount of friends I have are the best one could have. I am overly blessed by the care & love they have for me.
    I am living fabulously clean & sober. I have 13 1/2 years clean living. Truthful living. Living life filled with the truth & telling the truth is the best way to live. If that's not fabulous then what is?
    I have a fabulous job, I couldn't ask for anything better. I love my students. They don't always love me but I hope that one day they see my care for them. Who can't feel fabulous teaching what they love & teaching the gift that God has given.
    I am living this good life. It doesn't always seem like a good life, at times when I am alone, when most of my friends are with their husbands, or children and I am alone. It doesn't seem like the good life when someone has said for the millionth time, what's wrong with you?, or you're too picky. But I remind myself nothing is wrong with me. I'm not picky, I just want to wait on God. I guess I don't need to be alone, I could hang out with the married guys that hit on me, I could go back to the bars, where there are old painful memories of a wasted youth. But I know for a fact that that won't bring me to fabulous living. That will bring me sorrow & pain. Who wants to live a life that brings that?

    I choose the fabulous life. One filled with God's goodness. One filled with fabulous friends, fabulous family & a fabulously fulfilled life. It's not the life I planned when I was younger but I can see its the best life for me now.

What makes your life fabulous? What fabulous things are you doing? What areas do you wish were fabulous?

Thanks for reading, my little blog. Stay tuned to hear of some fabulous things that I believe the Good Lord is leading me to do!

Who Am I?

Who am I is the question? Who am I?
This week I was challenged with that thought. I have for quite a while looked at my self through my tainted human eyes. I see all the lies that I have made up in my head, the voices of the kids making fun of me, the fears that take over my truths.
I want to be a fear and fat free woman this year right? I think I need to start with the truths. What are they? Where do I find them? How do I believe them.
I think it starts with the question I was asked this week. Who am I? Who am I in Christ? What are my truths and who, what, or where did those truths come from?
I am pretty sure that my thoughts have been influenced not by the Truth of God, but by the world. The world has taught me, informed me what a beautiful woman looks like. The world has informed me that I will never be enough. You know what, that is a bunch of bull. You see, I am a Christian, I believe what the bible tells me. So, the world at this moment is being run by the Devil himself. Which, then would tell me, that to be occupied with the thoughts that I have, these self hatred thoughts, these fears, that Satan is winning. He wants me to believe the world. Every moment I am believing the world I am looking away from the beautiful truths of God.
God created me in the image of Himself right? God talks about beauty but it is an inward beauty. I remember watching a movie and someone said to this disabled man....Remember God doesn't make trash. He doesn't make mistakes.

I think that to be Fabulous and Forty not Fat and fearful, means that I need to really dig deep into the Truths of God, to know what He thinks of me, not what the world thinks of me. Or lets be honest what I think of me.

Did you know in Proverbs 31, it never once mentions what her size is? It never mentions her face? But as I read this, I get the sense of a beautiful woman. The sad thing is that I have a picture of a beautiful face a perfect body. Its the face the world has taught me is beautiful. In reality, I guarantee she had crooked teeth, I bet she wasn't perfect to the eye.
When I read this I want to be reminded she is beautiful because she cares for first her Heavenly Father, second her husband, thirdly her children. She is beautiful because of the truths she knows about the father.

Just some thoughts.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised

I want to be the most beautiful woman. A woman that fears the Lord. A woman who knows Who I am in Christ......Not who I am in the world.

Wonderfully Made

So, its been a week and a bit of trying to eradicate this stupid "Fat" word. Well, it hasn't been a great week. I can't seem to not look at the mirror and say these words to myself, " I wonder if this outfit makes me look fat?" Then the day begins.  By mid day I can look at myself and say "Why did you wear this outfit, you look so huge" Everyone is going to notice how fat you are. When I go into this meeting, they are going to see Fat Marya. Not see nice fun Marya. They must wonder why I am posing as something I am not.
How cruel am I to myself. It makes me sad just re-writing these things. Why, because 1 its not true, and 2 I don't surround myself with people that are like that. NONE of the people that I choose to be around would ever judge someone by the size of their bodies, more the size of their hearts.

So, this week I have wondered what the Webster Dictionary says about the word "Fat". (I'm losing hope in the dictionary, cause they keep accepting words that in my opinion should not be words, but we will leave that to another blogger to blog about)

What does the definition of Fat mean? Well, good old Merriam-Webster says the following.....
   1. notable for having an unusual amount of fat....a: plump b:obese (c. of a meat animal: fattened for market d. of food: oily or greasy
   2. a: well filled out : thick big.... a fat book
       b: full in tone and quality.... rich... a gorgeous fat bass voice
       c. well stocked... a fat larder
       d. Prosperous, wealthy...grew fat on the war

Ok, I could go on for a while with the definitions. But what is most interesting is that the word NO where has the same definition that I have given it.

Definition of the word Fat ala Marya......
   1. Notable for being very large
   2. Lazy
   3. Ugly
   4. Not desirable for either friendships or a future husband
   5. Unworthy

Oh, how sad my definition is. It is far from accurate, far from the truth. It is time to change the brain. Get rid of these ANTS(Automatic Negative Thoughts)  running a muck in my head.
Who wants to live like this, who wants to live in a world of constant attack on themselves. I want to change the meaning of fat in my brain. I want freedom from the weight of the word.

If I am going to change, how can I possibly do it? Well, the other day, I went to what I believe is the best source of truth. The Bible. I looked up things. Do you know that no where does it describe a person as being fat? I think that the bible doesn't talk about us loving ourselves because I think it believes we already do. I guess in a way I love myself a lot, cause even though my thoughts are negative, boy are they self focused.
Other than praying and asking God to remove this crazy defect of mine, I thought let me look to see what the bible says about being a woman. I read many things. But I think that the best example is the Proverbs 31 woman. I will never attain all of the aspects of a Proverbs 31 woman, that could be a daunting and overwhelming task. I could being leading myself to even more disappointment.

Look, to be quite honest, I want to see myself the way the Lord sees me. I don't want to see myself as a fat girl, thin girl, tall girl, athletic girl,etc. I want to look in the mirror in the morning and repeat the words of Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Hopefully this week I can look at myself with a new set of eyes. I hope you can look at yourself also with eyes of kindness. Join me this week as we remember we are "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made".

Fear & Fat Free, Forty is Fast approaching

So my 40th birthday is fast approaching. I assume most women my age look at this year as a milestone year. I have been thinking a lot about how I want to kick off my 40's. My thirties were kicked off with a few years of sobriety, a new relationship with God and a new lease on life. So, what could I do with my forties? Well for as long as I can possibly imagine I have been plagued with two F words. Not the one you are thinking about, but much worse!!! FEAR and FAT. So, this year, Lord willing, I will eradicate those words from my vocabulary. They will be as bad as the F word you thought I was talking about.

Why Fear and Fat? Whats so wrong with these words. Well as words they do not mean much. But to me they run rampant in my life.
So lets get honest here, I believe that I am fat....In my head this word means so much more than one can imagine. To me it means you think that I am unlovable, undesirable, that you think that I am plain old ugly.
PLEASE NOTE: If you are reading this and overweight, I don't think this about you. Sadly, this is what I think about myself and no one else. The thoughts only apply to myself no one else.
Why fear....I believe that I will say the wrong thing, that I will say the wrong thing and you will want to leave. I fear hurting you and you will not forgive me. I fear I do not fit in. I fear that you will think I am fat hence believe that I am ugly, undesirable, lazy.... Ok, I am pretty sure you get the picture.

I am tired of thinking like this! I assume most women think like this on occasion, but me it is a daily battle. So goodbye!!

Why say goodbye to these thoughts? Well first and foremost, they do NOT honor God. Am I not made in the Lord's image? Do I believe that God is ugly, undesirable? Of course not. Fear.. doesn't God state clearly not to be anxious? Doesn't he state that he has good for those that are in Christ? Would he leave me during anything if my fears came true? Do I believe my Heavenly Father would turn his back on me because of my weight or looks?

I realize exposing my thoughts can be a bit embarrassing to me, but is it really possible that I am the only woman or man that thinks like this? I don't want compliments, I just want to publicly expose the lies I and others have taught ourselves to believe.

So with all this said, and you think that I am a very depressed woman, let me tell you I am not. I am an extremely blessed woman, with messed up thoughts. I couldn't ask the Lord for any more (but of course I do). I have amazing friends and family. I cherish them as gifts from above!!

Join me in becoming Fear and Fat free, or laugh at me along the way. Lets make these horrible words become words that describe a milk type and a tv show!!