Wonderfully Made

So, its been a week and a bit of trying to eradicate this stupid "Fat" word. Well, it hasn't been a great week. I can't seem to not look at the mirror and say these words to myself, " I wonder if this outfit makes me look fat?" Then the day begins.  By mid day I can look at myself and say "Why did you wear this outfit, you look so huge" Everyone is going to notice how fat you are. When I go into this meeting, they are going to see Fat Marya. Not see nice fun Marya. They must wonder why I am posing as something I am not.
How cruel am I to myself. It makes me sad just re-writing these things. Why, because 1 its not true, and 2 I don't surround myself with people that are like that. NONE of the people that I choose to be around would ever judge someone by the size of their bodies, more the size of their hearts.

So, this week I have wondered what the Webster Dictionary says about the word "Fat". (I'm losing hope in the dictionary, cause they keep accepting words that in my opinion should not be words, but we will leave that to another blogger to blog about)

What does the definition of Fat mean? Well, good old Merriam-Webster says the following.....
   1. notable for having an unusual amount of fat....a: plump b:obese (c. of a meat animal: fattened for market d. of food: oily or greasy
   2. a: well filled out : thick big.... a fat book
       b: full in tone and quality.... rich... a gorgeous fat bass voice
       c. well stocked... a fat larder
       d. Prosperous, wealthy...grew fat on the war

Ok, I could go on for a while with the definitions. But what is most interesting is that the word NO where has the same definition that I have given it.

Definition of the word Fat ala Marya......
   1. Notable for being very large
   2. Lazy
   3. Ugly
   4. Not desirable for either friendships or a future husband
   5. Unworthy

Oh, how sad my definition is. It is far from accurate, far from the truth. It is time to change the brain. Get rid of these ANTS(Automatic Negative Thoughts)  running a muck in my head.
Who wants to live like this, who wants to live in a world of constant attack on themselves. I want to change the meaning of fat in my brain. I want freedom from the weight of the word.

If I am going to change, how can I possibly do it? Well, the other day, I went to what I believe is the best source of truth. The Bible. I looked up things. Do you know that no where does it describe a person as being fat? I think that the bible doesn't talk about us loving ourselves because I think it believes we already do. I guess in a way I love myself a lot, cause even though my thoughts are negative, boy are they self focused.
Other than praying and asking God to remove this crazy defect of mine, I thought let me look to see what the bible says about being a woman. I read many things. But I think that the best example is the Proverbs 31 woman. I will never attain all of the aspects of a Proverbs 31 woman, that could be a daunting and overwhelming task. I could being leading myself to even more disappointment.

Look, to be quite honest, I want to see myself the way the Lord sees me. I don't want to see myself as a fat girl, thin girl, tall girl, athletic girl,etc. I want to look in the mirror in the morning and repeat the words of Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Hopefully this week I can look at myself with a new set of eyes. I hope you can look at yourself also with eyes of kindness. Join me this week as we remember we are "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made".

Fear & Fat Free, Forty is Fast approaching

So my 40th birthday is fast approaching. I assume most women my age look at this year as a milestone year. I have been thinking a lot about how I want to kick off my 40's. My thirties were kicked off with a few years of sobriety, a new relationship with God and a new lease on life. So, what could I do with my forties? Well for as long as I can possibly imagine I have been plagued with two F words. Not the one you are thinking about, but much worse!!! FEAR and FAT. So, this year, Lord willing, I will eradicate those words from my vocabulary. They will be as bad as the F word you thought I was talking about.

Why Fear and Fat? Whats so wrong with these words. Well as words they do not mean much. But to me they run rampant in my life.
So lets get honest here, I believe that I am fat....In my head this word means so much more than one can imagine. To me it means you think that I am unlovable, undesirable, that you think that I am plain old ugly.
PLEASE NOTE: If you are reading this and overweight, I don't think this about you. Sadly, this is what I think about myself and no one else. The thoughts only apply to myself no one else.
Why fear....I believe that I will say the wrong thing, that I will say the wrong thing and you will want to leave. I fear hurting you and you will not forgive me. I fear I do not fit in. I fear that you will think I am fat hence believe that I am ugly, undesirable, lazy.... Ok, I am pretty sure you get the picture.

I am tired of thinking like this! I assume most women think like this on occasion, but me it is a daily battle. So goodbye!!

Why say goodbye to these thoughts? Well first and foremost, they do NOT honor God. Am I not made in the Lord's image? Do I believe that God is ugly, undesirable? Of course not. Fear.. doesn't God state clearly not to be anxious? Doesn't he state that he has good for those that are in Christ? Would he leave me during anything if my fears came true? Do I believe my Heavenly Father would turn his back on me because of my weight or looks?

I realize exposing my thoughts can be a bit embarrassing to me, but is it really possible that I am the only woman or man that thinks like this? I don't want compliments, I just want to publicly expose the lies I and others have taught ourselves to believe.

So with all this said, and you think that I am a very depressed woman, let me tell you I am not. I am an extremely blessed woman, with messed up thoughts. I couldn't ask the Lord for any more (but of course I do). I have amazing friends and family. I cherish them as gifts from above!!

Join me in becoming Fear and Fat free, or laugh at me along the way. Lets make these horrible words become words that describe a milk type and a tv show!!